I made it to thirty. Appreciation post.

A random selection of thoughts inhabiting my mind these days.

Korean version is here. It's not a translation - I had to write in my voice in each language. Each version ended up being very different. Feel free to read either or both.

한국어 버전은 여기. 번역은 아니고, 각 언어의 내 목소리로 끄적였어요. 상당히 다르니 자유로히 읽어보세요.

1 Potato

I'm slowly embracing the (non-clinical) manic-depressive phasic rhythm of life that the city of Berlin epitomizes. I allow, and enjoy, the more extrovert persona emerge during the deceivingly delightful summer. Socializing for days in a row until I pass out and go into isolation till recovery. I appreciate the calm, reflective ambience that the long winter endows (or forces upon us). If I'm not bathing in melancholy already, that is.

There's joy in surrendering to what life throws at you and being creative with it. Life sometimes throws you potatoes. It sometimes hits you in the head. At other times, you may catch it and boil it, smash it, or grow it. Or paint it, dress it, or throw it at someone else.

All that life is is a series of chances and luck, after all.

2 Kiddo

This isn't exactly what a kiddo thought a 30-year-old Jeehye would be like. Little Jeehye imagined a chic career woman who's got her shit together, who does not depend on anyone else. Probably with a partner, independent and ambitious, nonetheless.

Here I am, 30 years old, and I dress either like a teenager or like I'm unemployed. I do not have a partner at the moment but I do depend on others. A lot, actually. And I'm so grateful to have learned to not keep everything to myself. That I've had a few people who made me feel safe to share and taught me how to open up.

Pretty ambitious and driven though, I'd say. I still dream, of many things.

3 Passion

I am a mixed bag, like all of us are.

I am a bit of a nerd. I geek out on the science of the brain and the mind.

I am creative. I believe creativity is an intrinsic part of the human nature. And I've been making efforts to connect with the artist in me. And when I do, it kinda feels home. Like I'm where I belong. I hope I have more to share in my future posts.

I am adventurous. I am calm and relaxed. I am avoidant, sometimes anxious, at other times wise and mindful.

3-1

I tell people I am doing a PhD and I sense, or imagine, people react with a mixture of admiration and consolation. Maybe I'm a bit self-conscious. Because I know it's a passion-driven career, one that’s not the best paid nor the most stable. But one that makes me go - I freakin love what I do.

3-2

I'm still mesmerized, deeply, by the grainy texture and the inconvenience of analog photography.

I'm in love with the ocean, the inundation that gives some calm and others fear.

This birthday, I got myself a vintage camcorder from the 2000s.

4 Identity

"The nowhere (wo)man, transcontinental tribe of wanderes, transit loungers". These are phrases from Pico Iyer's essay I read in high school. It still resonates deeply with me.

I embrance, and deeply admire, this intermediary identity. I find comfort, a kind of sense of belonging, in this inbetweenness, a margin between zones of belonging. A contradiction that makes sense. I explore the territory between disciplines, cultures, and ideas. I find comfort in ways I don't fit in perfectly. Instead, I stay slightly afloat.

I don't know if I was born this way or if I was shaped this way. Either way, I'm not upset.

4-1

My 20s started off with a mission to discover an identity that unifies the whole mess that I seemed to be. Next, I accepted that I am many things. And that it's a good thing, that it makes me unique and interesting. Now, at the footstep of my 30s, I'm starting to reconnect with and nurture each of these many idiosyncratic versions of myself. And perhaps combine them to prompt an emergent phenomena, a whole that's more than the sum of its parts.

(say hi to me inquiring a non-sciency topic like a scientist.)

5 Philosophy

I agree with Peter Singer's philosophy in almost every way, that the capacity to suffer is what matters, regardless of species. Yet, I only manage to bring it to action halfway. I waver between vegetarianism and flexitarianism. And have been this way for almost a decade. I'm glad I stuck with it, but also admit the lack of progress.

I donate monthly via Effektive Spenden I resonate with the philosophy of effective altruism, for the most part. I've been thinking about the 10% Pledge for years. Only thinking, though. I do prioritize secular desires and fattening my investment account.

I meditate - a little.

I know meditation will make me a better person, a better friend, companion. And give me the wisdom I so desire. Yet, I've been stuck with (or sticking to) 10-minute daily meditation - for years. (Also forever on the waiting list for Vipassana meditation retreats 🙃)

In sum, I am a hypocrite who at least tries. ヽ(•‿•)ノ
I wish to be better in my 30s.

Summary

I do not buy into MBTI (not completely) because I don't subscribe to the idea of bipolar spectrum. For example, I believe someone could be a highly developed 'T' and 'F', or 'N' and 'S' simultaneously (or less developed simultaneously). And that the reduction of this complexity to one variable, i.e. the relative balance between the two, loses some valuable information. (I realize I'm talking like a scientist again)

The point is. Seemingly polar opposites actually quite regularly do coexist.

• surrendering to & actively shaping the trajectory of life
• independence & dependence
• belonging & distance
• specialization & inbetweenness

I'm thinking, perhaps, part of growing up is about honing the ability to embrace the seemingly contradictory but in reality complementary aspects of life. Less of dimensionality reduction and more embracing of complexity without being overwhelmed.

So... is the conclusion merging of philosophy of the east and the west? Ahaha maybe. I'm reading The Tao of Physics[The Tao of Physics] at the moment. Let's see where it takes me.

-

This post ended up being way longer and more serious than I anticipated, but here it goes. In actuality, I just wish to be better and have more fun in my thirties. To love and be loved, to nurture deep meaningful connections. To be less swayed by superficiality. To shine and see light in others. To be inspired, and to inspire. To embrace humbleness because I am confident, gentleness because I am strong.